4 Tips for Setting Boundaries

There is a lot of buzz around boundaries lately. Boundaries are defined as the limits you set for yourself. Setting a boundary or limit means telling someone what you want or don’t want. It also means telling someone when you are uncomfortable with their behavior. While setting boundaries isn’t always easy, it is necessary for your well-being and long term health. It also helps the ones you love learn how to love you back.

Boundary setting is a communication skill to express your needs and limitations to others. Healthy boundaries are kind yet firm. They can look like saying “no” to others, or opening up and expressing vulnerability. They help build trust and give a sense of predictability in your relationships. 

What prevents us from setting boundaries? Why do we allow it?

• Fear of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment

• Fear of confrontation

• Guilt

• We were not taught healthy boundaries

• Safety Concerns

If you are concerned you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it may actually be unsafe or nearly impossible to set healthy boundaries with this partner. Reach out to a trusted professional or friend for support.

Here are 4 tips to help you begin practicing setting boundaries: 

Know your Boundaries

It’s helpful to assess the current state of your boundaries. Identify your needs by asking yourself “What makes you feel safe, respected, and comfortable in relationships?”. These form the basis for your boundaries. Have clear, specific language around the boundary you need to put into place.

Know what to do when boundaries are crossed

When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it explicitly, clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. This might be something like, “I am not OK with you speaking to me like that; please speak to me in a lower tone.” Avoid hinting at it. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting. Refrain from agreeing to anything that crosses your boundaries. Remember you have the right to decline. Use “I” statements like, “I feel hurt when you do that.”

Prepare and push for conversation

You are not responsible for their reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upsets them, that is a “them” problem. Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. It can be important that your behavior matches the boundaries you are setting so you don’t send mixed messages.

Have Support

At first, you will probably feel selfish or guilty when you set a boundary. Remind yourself you have a right to self-care. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety, fear or guilt prevent you from taking care of yourself. Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries and slowly you will eliminate toxic people from your life—those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.

With practice, boundary setting becomes easier. Don’t get discouraged — be patient with yourself as you rewire old behavioral patterns.

If you’re looking for a therapist in Massachusetts who can help you set boundaries with someone close in your life, I would love to hear from you. Call me or email to schedule a free consultation today.